Name: General Joe "Lame Games Fanatic" Lane Age: 16 years, 8 months - 1 day (of course at this time you read this, that will have changed) Height: 2'17" (I am hoping to reach 4 feet before I stop growing.) Weight: 140 lbs. (100% muscle) Turn-ons: soft, fluffy teddy bears; pretty rainbows; fruity pebbles Well, enough with all that boring stuff. I have to hurry though because my buddies want to read this. Your brain probably hurts from all the info we crammed into it. But don't forget, we had to read all those big, huge books to get all the info we needed to write these pages. So yeah, my brain's a little fried. But as above, I am 100% muscle so I can take it. I'm tough. Of course, maybe my brain is just fried because I bleach my hair a lot. Yeah, it's bleached right now. In order to do this, I poor some Clorox bleach into a toilet, and stick my head in there and give myself a swirl-y-o! But that is actually false. I really just power up to Super Sayan! Peace!!

Lord Kurtis R. of the Ericson clan. Master of the sword. King of paintball. Eater of Dunkaroos. Yes…I am Lord Kurt, the one who has traveled to Anderson High School from the 10th dimension! The one who holds the secret to the theory of everything. Favorite Saying: Cheaters never win, they just finish first. Almost Favorite Saying: Don't be afraid of the dark--be afraid of what it hides. Turn-ons: warm apple pie; Bozo the Clown; hot, wet, steamy, and oh so very fine…spaghetti! Kurt will eventually become President of the United States. From there he plans to build a completely mechanized army, navy, and air force, which will provide for mass-production and remarkable efficiency. Then, Kurt plans to take over the world, starting with the annoying countries like Iraq. Finally, backed by universal support and an unstoppable military, Kurt will rise to the position of Emperor of Earth. Kurt also enjoys pumpkin pie.

Once upon a time in a land far, far away called Ohio there lived a beautiful fairy princess called Kate Dennis. Kate, although the most beautiful princess who ever lived, was a complete goofball. She spent countless hours in her ghetto fairy castle watching Jeopardy!, The West Wing, and Iron Chef. Then she grew up, became the next Josiah Bartlet and won the Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions. Her turn-ons include long walks on the beach, romantic movies, and ear-pulling.

Special Thanks to:

Jeffrey Cyrus Markus Hiram Anthony Jethro-Jebadiah-Swanson (a.k.a. "Tubs" da Bear) is one gargantuan creature. He weighs in at a whopping 1,826 pounds; his weight is only surpassed by Fat Bastard. Tubs can eat over one hundred cheese coneys in under 5 minutes. Tubs can belch the ABCs-forwards and backwards-without stopping. Tubs was recently featured in National Geographic as an extremely endangered species, as Tubs is the only reaming member of whatever type of bear he is. Tubs was recently featured in a Coca Cola commercial, where he bobsledded with the Jamaican bobsled team. Tubs plans to gain some girth and move to Hollywood, where he has been contracted to the third part (the sixth to be produced) of the Star Wars series. Tubs will play the part of the Zoobhipidy-the royal land-conveyance of Anakin Skywalker. Thank you Tubs.

Tim--quite possibly the world's most perfect moose--was born to a normal moose family somewhere in North Dakota. Tim was a very rebellious adolescent moose. Eventually he ran away. Somehow, he wandered to a nuclear power plant just outside of Chicago. The plant dumped its waste into a river, which ran south to the Gulf. Tim was very thirsty after running away, so he drank some water from a nearby river. Unbeknownst to Tim was the fact that this was the same river polluted by the plant. After an hour or two, Tim turned a bright green. Within a week, Tim was secreting green ooze. Tim traveled with the Ringling Brothers, Barnum, and Bailey Circus for a few years, after which he retired to Cincinnati, Ohio. Tim has donated countless hours and brain cells to this project. Thank you Tim.

Finally, we'd like to thank our video guest star Lean. Leah is worshiped as an actress at Anderson High. Leah wishes she could be a fairy princess like Kate. But she's not. She's an evil hairy witch who eats little children. She is an avid reader of Motorcycle and Men and is currently saving her money to buy a Yamaha. One time when she was six, she had a vision. She hasn't been the same since.